Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
