I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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