just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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