Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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