Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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