I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
