Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Pants are for mortals
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
