dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
