Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
