I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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