We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
