and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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