He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
