so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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