I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
