So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
