I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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