no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
