his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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