And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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