if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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