I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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