I met the friendliest cop last night
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
