I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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