We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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