she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
