What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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