I am spending my child support on dildos
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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