Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
