Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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