I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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