My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
