I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I could make wine with my vomit
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It's blow job season.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
They are going to name an STD after you.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
