bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He passed out mid-signature
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
