Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
