if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
