Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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