My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
