I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
not ubering you a puppy
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
