I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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