I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
