Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i need some magic done to my vagina
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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