sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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