I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
