toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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