She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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