can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
