I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
