I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
