I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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