The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
