God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
