I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
