Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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